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Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.
- C.S. Lewis (1898 - 1963)
Time to challenge some deeply held beliefs ⚔️
THE CAT’S LAIR ☠️
The Hunt For The Submissive Woman
This is the first part in a three part series on this topic.
How did we get here? Why all the fuss about submission?
Before the 20th Century, marriage searches hardly included screening for traits of submissiveness in women. Female submissiveness was a given due to the structure of society at the time. Women knew their place, and so did men. Wives were expected to care for the kids and home; husbands were breadwinners, leaders and protectors. Back then, marriage was a straightforward affair. Women were subordinate to men, and everyone knew it.
However, the tide started turning in the 20th Century. Thanks to WWII and advancements in women's rights, women were increasingly doing what men had always done. Women could vote, go to school, work and earn money. Women could now get wealthy enough to vie for dominance in the home. This change upset the power dynamics in families, and chaos ensued. For the first time ever, the undisputed role of man as the head of the family was under threat.
I believe that it was around this time that submissiveness was infused into the consciousness of bachelors. Today, some young men are looking to re-create the kind of marriages their parents had - marriages where the husband/father calls most (or all) of the shots. These men are hunting for submissive wives. I define a submissive wife as one who recognizes her husband's authority and places herself willingly under his willing control.
Unbeknownst to these well-intentioned individuals, there's a dark side to placing a premium on being the boss. Those who wish for submissive wives typically end up empty-handed. Men who desire to dominate, attract women who pretend to submit. In this series, I explain why bachelors who crave power set themselves up for unfulfilling marriages. I also advocate for men to adopt the opposite mindset when searching for a spouse.
Note: This series is not focused on whether or not a wife should be submissive to her husband - a lot has been written on this topic already. My focus here is on men who desire to dominate their spouses.
We value submissiveness in our relationships with subordinates, toadies and slaves.
Guess who prioritizes submissiveness in relationships? Kings, generals, slave owners, and employers.
A King is nothing without his subjects. Generals have their subordinates. Slaves are at the mercy of their owners. Employers lord over their employees. In these relationships, knowledge of the leadership hierarchy is of utmost importance. Continued dissent is not tolerated, and the consequences of rebelling may be severe. There is also a stipulated way that subordinates are expected to act. You don't get to be yourself in these relationships.
The individual at the top of the food chain may have advisers and high-ranking officials but is the one who ultimately calls the shots. To survive in a hierarchical system, an awareness of and adherence to the established order is paramount. Potential entrants must have a track record of submissiveness. An individual may lose out on a job if a potential employer learns she has a history of insubordination.
In hierarchical relationships, there is always a lingering fear that your subordinate will surpass you. This is why some managers will specifically look to hire people who are less qualified than they are. When a subordinate surpasses a manager, all types of status games are unleashed to keep the subordinate in check. Kings and dictators have successfully assassinated highly successful military commanders who threatened their power. In a hierarchy, there is always a prevailing cloud of suspicion.
Hierarchies cannot thrive without submission. Without submission, rebellion will occur. In marriages where husbands are firmly at the top, insecurity is bound to flourish - jealousy and sabotage are sure to follow. If a husband cannot stand to see his wife surpass his achievements, how can he have a fulfilling marriage?
Friendships thrive when equality is championed.
There are different levels of friendship, and not all friends are created equal. In the most intimate friendships, a flat power structure is always present. In this flat structure, both individuals are like partners working towards a common goal. There is no boss, and all opinions are heard. There is also no threat of punishment for dissent. In these relationships, people are happy and free to be themselves.
People seek close friendships with equals, not subordinates. When a man builds a close friendship, he does so with someone who can challenge him. In fact, you will often hear persons in such relationships praise their friends for calling them out on their BS. Close friends hold each other accountable. To intimate friends, the ability for their besties to be simultaneously demanding and supportive is highly sought after.
In intimate friendships, there is no lingering fear of being surpassed. In fact, the opposite is true. Friends wish each other well and will be perfectly happy if they are surpassed in income or status by the other. There is an underlying belief that no matter how successful they both get, they will never abandon each other. This breeds trust and a strong sense of unity. In hierarchical relationships, both virtues are often absent.
Close friendships do not need submission to thrive. In fact, they thrive because of the absence of submission. When a husband treats his wife as an intimate friend, there is little room for insecurity. Without power struggles, a marriage has a better chance of standing the test of time.
If a man wants all the power in his marriage, he may be successful in his quest. He will reign supreme but be plagued by insecurities. What kind of woman will such a man be attracted to? Will she be a great catch? I shall share my thoughts in the next edition of this newsletter.
These articles caught my attention:
CHELS’ WORLD 🌍
Unmasking Bias: Looking beyond the surface
“We take our bias almost everywhere we go and judge others by it.’’
You know that saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover." I think it’s one of those phrases we often hear but that is rarely ever applied.
So, you know by now, that I have to give context (I believe context helps the reader understand the writer better). One fine Sunday, I hurriedly made my way to mass. As I entered the church, I was relieved to find my favorite spot vacant. But to my surprise, sitting beside me was a lady I could only describe as eccentric (she could barely sit still; she kept twirling her hair, looking for or at people I couldn’t see, and smiling or laughing at things that I didn’t understand). I told myself, Chels, you have entered, but did I stand up and change seats? No, it was my favorite spot under the fan, so I was going to power through. You needed to see the way I kept my distance, ensuring that our bodies and clothing didn’t touch (I am typically not a fan of physical contact except with people I know).
Fast-forward to communion rites, and I found myself dreading the customary handshake during the rite of peace. I concocted various avoidance scenarios in my head: I would just ignore her, I wouldn’t extend my hands to anyone else, I would shake her hands and clean them off, or I would make sure that her hands were not the last hands I shook. I didn’t want a transfer of whatever she had or whatever spirits were making her behave the way she did. It was at this point that I paused, recognizing the unchristian nature of my thoughts. I decided to challenge my biases and extend a handshake. It was hard to do so, but I did it.
And I started to ask myself why. I questioned my initial judgment. I had prejudged her based on superficial observations and allowed my biases about her eccentric behavior to influence the way I saw and behaved toward her. You know what made me look at myself and go, Chels, you can do better? It was during communion. She stood up and went to receive the Eucharist while I just knelt down at my seat, and in that moment, I knew that everyone, no matter how eccentric they appear, carries in them the image of God. They were created by the same God who created me. You know what’s laughable now that I think of it? Some of the things I do are considered weird by others, but here I was judging another person, letting preconceived notions affect the way I treated her.
I realized that my tendency to judge based on surface-level observations wasn't limited to eccentrics in church pews. It extended to my interactions with colleagues, strangers on the street, and even friends and family. How many opportunities for connection and understanding had I missed because of my preconceived notions?
So, the lesson I learned that Sunday went beyond a simple handshake—it was a reminder to approach each person with humility, openness, and grace. It was a simple yet profound lesson: “Each person is a reflection of God. Our unique individualities serve as expressions of praise to our Creator, who has fashioned us for His glory.”
I found this very interesting:
CURRENT READS 📚
The Cat: The Great Armies of Antiquity (By Richard A. Gabriel)
Chels: The God of Good Looks: A Novel (By Breanne McIvor)