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āNo man was ever wise by chance.ā
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 BC - 65 AD)
We couldnāt have said it any better ourselves. šÆ
THE CATāS LAIR ā ļø
Fear Women
I can remember when I heard the phrase, āfear womenā for the first time. It was a few years ago when a friend was grieving the end of a disappointing relationship with a young woman. As he was narrating the events leading to the demise of the relationship, another friend who was trying to console him at the time, uttered the popular phrase. He probably felt that it was the right thing to say in the moment. However, his attempt to engender solidarity rubbed me the wrong way. I have disliked the phrase ever since.
I believe the phrase āfear womenā helps no one. For one, it perpetuates the notion that women are duplicitous and cannot be trusted to be faithful to their partners in romantic relationships. It also reinforces the idea that a man can never be secure in a relationship and must never come to trust and rely on his partner, since she could turn against him at any moment. On the other hand, since female duplicity is seen as being the norm, it encourages a harmful stereotype that gives cover for dark deeds to be committed by the minority of truly manipulative women.
āIf men believe we are manipulative by nature, why try to act otherwise?ā these women ask. It comes as no surprise, then, that the negative impression that some men have of women and the misdeeds of a small number of women creates a reinforcing feedback loop where these men base their opinion of women on minority cases of manipulative behaviour. Manipulative women, in turn, act out these harmful stereotypes.
Society undeniably suffers when suspicions of betrayal persist. These doubts do not foster unity between men and women; instead, they widen the existing divide. In thinking about this issue, I have observed that a reason why some men feel women are unpredictable is that these men have refused to accept that many women utilise a communication style that is vastly different from that of the typical man. To understand this difference, let us pay a mental visit to ancient times.
Historically, in many societies, women never really had a voice, even within their own homes. While there are stories of women like Joan of Arc (15th Century, France) who have achieved greatness despite insurmountable odds, most women were not free to express their wishes and desires - even to their own husbands. The typical woman supported her husband even if he was an absolute bonehead. Unlike today, a woman with an independent mind was usually not embraced by society. Being in a subservient position was the norm for most women. Because she was forced to submit to people she had no respect for, she learned to fake submission. Non-verbal cues, such as fake smiles and physical touch, were used to placate, deceive, and charm her male overlord at home. Her husband, meanwhile, was oblivious to the scorn hidden away in her heart.
Women have had Centuries to practice the art of non-verbal communication. They have gained an immense mastery of a deep form of communication that can only be deciphered by studious observation. However, their male counterparts have not. Why would they? Given that in many ancient societies, men had the right to say and (sometimes) do as they pleased. In fact, the random man still wants everything to be spelt out and communicated to him before he understands. He is oblivious to body language, silence, and most things that are not spoken. I believe it is not that he cannot grasp these things, it is that he either has not reached a stage where he understands that most of lifeās truths lurk in the unspoken word, or he has, but is distracted by the countless things that are going on in his life.
For several of my male friends, the preoccupation with making more money is the biggest distraction of them all. The seed for this fixation is planted by traditional notions of manliness, which depict men as providers. Given this, the typical man desires (consciously or unconsciously) to live up to this expectation by creating wealth and a life of comfort for himself and his family. If he fails to deliver a better life, he fears being considered a failure by his loved ones. This fear of failure leads many a man to prioritise their career growth over their social (and romantic) relationships.
Given that humans can only focus on a few things at any time, the focus on money-making (and/or sex) ensures that modern man misses out on those non-verbal cues that his romantic partner sends his way. Over time, his refusal to prioritise his romantic relationship increases the gap between him and his partner, and ultimately spells doom for the relationship. It is after the relationship ends and he notices certain irregularities about his exās behaviour - cheating, dissatisfaction, apathy - that were right under his nose all along, that he utters the phrase āfear womenā. It is only a man who is fully immersed in his romantic life that can decipher the red flags that his partner throws his way. It is this easy.
On closer inspection, it becomes clearer why women have a reputation for being unpredictable, secretive and dangerous creatures among modern men. Because women have always been judged on their ability to nurture those around them - especially their romantic partner - many women prioritise their relationships with the opposite sex above all, so as not to be seen as failures. This creates a dynamic where the typical woman obsesses over every detail of the relationship. She spends precious time each day thinking about her partner and her love life.
Her partner, on the other hand, does not spend as much time reflecting on the relationship; he is focused on building wealth for her and their future family. If she is not receiving the level of attention she requires, it leads to feelings of dissatisfaction. In ancient times, since she had little to no options in the way of men, she had to make do with what she had. However, with the advent of social media in todayās world, a dissatisfied woman can easily enter into a relationship with the thousands of men who crawl around the internet. With just one WhatsApp or IG status, a hundred men will swarm her DM. Welcome to the modern world.
This abundance of potential mates at the fingertips of modern women means that the era where men ignored their partners is over. The men who excel in this new era are those who understand two things: (1) Women do a lot of non-verbal communication, (2) If you are fully present in the relationship, it is hard to be deceived. I am not one to endorse secrecy or mind-reading in any form of relationship, especially romantic ones. Nonetheless, every man would inevitably meet a woman who communicates more nonverbally.
It is therefore imperative that the men of today adapt to the realities of the world we live in. Simply taking 30 minutes a day to reflect on your partnerās words and actions can prevent you from being blindsided. Put down your phone and think. If, however, your focus is still on money and sex, odds are you will be the next clueless gentleman uttering the phrase, āfear womenā.
Itās 2025, evolve or die - painfully and slowly.
Interesting stuff:
Hmmmm š²:
CHELSā WORLD š
The Quiet Lethargy of the Soul
Hey, Abba.
Iām here this morning, because obviously, I canāt sleep. Itās 4:51 a.m. As much as I would like to, there are certain things I want to talk to you about. I donāt know what rock bottom is, and I donāt think I want to find out.
I keep saying that Iāve gotten to the end of myself, but Iām mostly tired. Two things that happened this morning cemented how much help I need.
The first was a video I saw on Instagram; someone had gone into a Catholic church to steal a monstrance. I was shocked. I thought to myself, this is sacrilegious. Donāt you know how sacred the monstrance is? Donāt you know that it carries Jesus? Why would you do such a thing? In that moment, I remembered something Ebele tweeted once: be careful not to measure your holiness by other peopleās sin. It hit me. I could never do such a thing, but that didnāt make me more holy. It didnāt make what he did more sinful. The secret sins Iāve committed arenāt less shameful than his open, sacrilegious act.
Then, reading the comments, people said they screamed when he picked it up, and screamed again when the monstrance fell. I thought to myself, I didnāt scream. Maybe I was shocked, but I didnāt feel that same rush of horror. Itās like thereās become a lethargy in my heart, in my soul, for certain things. Iāve become cynical. When people talk about miracles now, I find myself thinking, these are just things aligning. But then again, I know firmly in my heart that itās God who makes things align.
So, when someone says, I was on this prayer platform and three months later I got married, or I got a job soon after XYZ prayed for me, my mind goes, well, three months, you definitely had this guy, you probably already knew things were heading that way, the relationship was forming, the interviews were done, things just finally clicked. But the truth is, anything could have gone south. Anything. God made it happen that way. And coming from someone who used to see miracles in the littlest things, I canāt wrap my head around how cynical Iāve become. I keep asking myself why. Why didnāt I feel more outrage for the man who stole from the church? Why didnāt I feel grief when the monstrance hit the floor? Why do I doubt what others call miracles? The answer keeps circling back to one word: lethargy.
Thereās power in the Eucharist. That much I believe. It is the true presence of Christ. But somehow, head knowledge and heart knowledge are two separate things. To know something in my head and to believe it in my heart, they donāt always meet. Sometimes head knowledge wins the argument. And when I ask for something and it doesnāt come, I forget. I forget what God has done. I forget how far Heās brought me. I get stuck in the space of He didnāt do this, or He could have done that but didnāt. I really pray I donāt ever get to rock bottom. I donāt want to know what that feels like. But I think Iām at the end of my rope.
I was listening to Father Mike and Father Mark this morning. Two things they said struck me. Father Mike said thereās something about being stuck in a cycle of sin (I am paraphrasing his words), how Jesus forgives you, you go to confession, you go to Mass, you pray, you know in your heart that God has forgiven youā¦ and then you go back to living your life, forgetting what He did. And so, the cycle of sin continues because you donāt consciously remember how much mercy God has had on you.
Father Mark said that our daily activities either lead us to Christ or derail us from Him. Every decision, even the most trivial, should be weighed by that question: Is this leading me to Christ, or is this taking me away from Him? And Iāll be the first to say , Iāve failed.
Iāve chosen myself too many times. Chosen my flesh, my desires, my lust, my comfort. Chosen me. You know what I tell God all the time? I tell You, Lord, that Iām such an after-the-fact child. It happens, and then itās like ice water poured over me, I shouldnāt have done this. I could have asked for help. I could have prayed. All the āI could haves.ā
In that moment of temptation, I forget. Sometimes I remember, but the desire to please my flesh trumps all other, and I hear the voice of my desire louder than the voice of God. Itās crazy, because I should know better. I do know better. And sometimes I even think, God, maybe if You had done this for me, I wouldnāt be here. Maybe if You answered my prayers, I wouldnāt be struggling like this.
Like I told someone recently, what I wanted at the point where I was intimacy and companionship. And those are the very things God can and will give. Everything else outside His will is just a distorted version of it. I see it. I really do. If God doesnāt answer me the way I want, but I still serve Himā¦ if the material blessings donāt come, if the prayers donāt unfold in the exact order I expectā¦ would I still choose God? When the temptations come, I still want to run to Him.
Just pray, Helen. Choose God, Helen. Choose God.
Your child,
Chels.
P.S. Iām sharing this not because I enjoy being vulnerable, and please, Iām not looking for questions, but because I think someone needs to read these words. I didnāt hear any audible voice telling me to share, but the moment I recorded it, I knew it was meant to be shared.
Weāre all going through something. Weāre all fighting private battles and trying to stay faithful on this long road to eternity. Be kind. Pray for the people in your life.
I found this interesting:
CURRENT READS š
The Cat: Thinking, Fast and Slow (By Daniel Kahneman)
Chels: Cursed Daughters: A Novel (By Oyinkan Braithwaite)
RANDOM STUFF š²
